Big Fellowship
by Doodlez
Summary: Lord of the Rings + Big Brother = Big Fellowship. If you are a Mary Sue or not clinically insane, then do not read this story.Chapter 8 is up: "Gandalf's Flirting Tips." Hehheheh.
1. Default Chapter

1 Title: BIG FELLOWSHIP  
  
Summary: Crossover of LOTR and Big Brother. Need I say more?  
  
Author: doodlez (I hope I can handle this kind of…job…thing.) (Hey, I was saying "thing" before PIPPIN, okay? Just wanted to…make that clear.)  
  
Rating: PG-13 for language, a few sexual comments and content, but hey, seriously, the Fellowship's gay (except maybe for Gandalf, he may be just an old perv-that's hard for me to say, 'cause he ROCKS) so…yeah.  
  
Note: Yes, Big Brother belongs to NBC, or whatever, and LOTR belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien, not me, sadly. Damn.  
  
And now…we begin.  
  
Lord have mercy.  
  
  
  
Months had passed after the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring came out. The Fellowship (also referred to as "The Company" and "Gaaaaaaaay") were now exceedingly wealthy, famous, and big hits with the fangirls (a.k.a. "Mary Sues" and "At Least One Of Them Is Your Friend, Echhh"). And, of course, they had to star on some big reality show shindig. What better show than Big Brother, the urban Survivor, in which you take a handful of people and dump them in one house with cameras all around. You can get voted off, or choose to leave willingly, but then you don't get the prize (prize is unknown to the public, 'twill be announced soon, don't worry.).  
  
So!  
  
Let us begin.  
  
  
  
MONDAY  
  
10:00 AM  
  
All the Fellowship are asleep, save Legolas, who always wakes up bright and early to welcome the beautiful sunshine-or rain, as is the case today-make breakfast for the rest of the Fellowship ("Ee's sucking up ta us, he is," commented Pippin a few days ago, shoveling eggs into his mouth. "And it's working." "I know it's working," added Merry, and the two shared a good laugh.), perform Yoga excercises, etc.  
  
10:05 AM  
  
The inhabitants of Room 2 (also known as "The Hobbit's Room") are beginning to stir. As usual, Sam crept into Frodo's bunk after he had fallen asleep, and, as usual, crept out before he wakes, as to "not disturb my master". Sam creeps back to his bunk, wriggles into his sleeping bag, and promptly falls back asleep.  
  
10:30 AM  
  
Legolas decides that the Fellowship's slept in long enough, and parades down the hall next to the bedrooms, banging on a pot and pan.  
  
"Come on, everyone, rise and shine! Rise and shine! Glorious new day! Up and at 'em!"  
  
There is movement in Room 1, Gandalf's room, inside his Harry Potter sleeping bag. A hand shoots out, fumbles around for a staff on the ground next to his bed, and he waves it at his open door. It slams shut, and Legolas is thrown against the far wall of the hallway. Gandalf drops his staff and crawls back under his covers, inaudible muttering is heard, soon replaced by loud snores.  
  
Legolas slowly climbs to his feet, and chokes back a feminine sob, hastily scurrying to the restroom, where he spends most of his time. Loud sobs and wails are heard after the restroom door is slammed shut.  
  
  
  
11:10  
  
The Fellowship are now wide awake, changing from their pajamas (decorated with Tele Tubbies, in Aragorn's case) to their grungy day clothes. Gimli, gifted with a talent of calming down emotional elves, hops out of bed and shuffles outside Room 3 (Legolas also bunks there, Borimor and Aragorn are in Room 4) to the hallway and to the restroom. He knocks softly on the door, speaking gently, only a few snippets of conversation are heard:  
  
"…Legolas…okay… …didn't mean it… …breakfast time… …out… …c'mon out… …want… …braid your hair?…" he waits for Legolas's reply, which is heard as quiet, choked muttering. Gimli nods, and speaks again, heard audibly. "…Good, good, after breakfast. Come on out, now… …must relieve myself…" He waits again, while a red-eyed Legolas opens the door, and Gimli walks past him into the restroom. He turns, seeing the elf standing casually in the open doorway, and clears his throat gruffly, muttering something about "a bit of privacy." Legolas pouts, nods, and shuts the door, walking back to the kitchen.  
  
  
  
11:15 AM  
  
The Fellowship are sitting down in the dining room for their breakfast of waffles, scrambled eggs, sausage links, and bacon strips. Legolas had, as usual, really outdone himself. ("It keeps him busy," says Borimor.) They're halfway into eating when Big Fellowship's voice greets them over the speakers placed around the house, like the cameras.  
  
"Good morning!"  
  
"Mornin'," is the drowsy reply, for those who had bothered saying anything at all. The day hadn't started well for them, it seemed.  
  
"Does anyone remember what today is?" Big Fellowship asks brightly, waiting for an answer.  
  
"Ooo, I know, I know, oh… …no, wait… ahm…" Pippin's hand shoots up, then lowers, as he tries to remember. Merry snickers, and says smugly, "Today is a 'special task' day."  
  
"Wrong! Today is MONDAY MONDAY!" The Monday song blares from the loudspeakers, and the Company plug their ears, still not used to Big Fellowship's strange sense of humor.  
  
"Monday Monday (La laa, la la la la) Can't help that day (La laa, la la la la)…"  
  
The music abruptly stops, and Big Fellowship laughs into the speaker "Joking, joking. Now. Merry was right, actually, today is a special task day. Any guesses?"  
  
Aragorn, feeling rather touchy, slams his fist with a hefty thud on the table. "Just tell us already!"  
  
"Well, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bunk today… joking! Joking again. Anyway. Your special task of the day is… …actually, I'll tell you later. Goodbye until then!" There's a click, and the voice is gone.  
  
The Company groans, not that they liked the special tasks, but they didn't much care for suspense, and quickly finish their breakfasts. After breakfast, they split up and go to their usual morning tasks: Legolas and Gimli to their bedroom to braid each other's hair, Aragorn and Borimor outside to the tennis courts, the hobbits to the bathroom to take their morning group bath ("We're just taking advantage of the bathtub size, it's quite comfortable, and we get new bubble bath formula every day," commented Frodo.), and Gandalf returns to his bed ("When one has been alive since the dawning of time, one needs a bit of sleep," is his excuse. "So bugger off and sod your own damn bloody chickens.") 


	2. Grumpy Gandalf

1 Title: BIG FELLOWSHIP  
  
Author: Doodlez  
  
Chapter: 2  
  
  
  
MONDAY (still)  
  
12:30 PM  
  
Big Fellowship calls everyone into the living room for a meeting, and to tell them what the special task-o'-the-week is. Aragorn and Borimir are the first to show up, sweaty and breathing hard from their tennis match. They take a seat next to each other on one of the leather couches, waiting for the others. Legolas and Gimli enter next, hair smooth and gleaming from the many strokes of a brush, and neatly braided. They sit on the other side of the couch.  
  
After a few quiet minutes, the hobbits scamper in, still drying themselves off. Pippin and Merry are still dripping bath water, and Sam has bubbles in his hair. Legolas looks up, sniffing the air and slanting his eyes, shooting an accusational glance at the halflings. "…I smell Herbal Essence shampoo…my Herbal Essence shampoo…"  
  
Frodo looks up innocently from his seat on the other couch next to Sam, Merry, and Pippin. "Are you saying you think we've been in your shampoo?"  
  
"Yes, I am. And I don't think you have. I know you have." Legolas begins twitching and huffing. Elves are deadly when it comes to cosmetics. Gimli pats Legolas on the back, trying to calm him down. "Now, now, Lego…" Borimir and Aragorn exchange glances at Gimli's pet name for Legolas.  
  
Legolas stands up, turning a furious red in the cheeks, his hand reaching for his bow and quiver of arrows. "I cook, I clean, I protect you against Orcs, and this is how you repay me?? By using my shampoo?! How DARE you even THINK such a thing!"  
  
The hobbits fidget nervously in their seats, remembering that this is exactly how Arwen had gotten voted off. They cringe, expecting Legolas to do something worthy of Oprah. Gimli stands up and gently guides Legolas out of the room for a private talk. Only Legolas's back is seen. The elf nods a few times in reply to Gimli's soothing words (Only "promise", "forgive", and "cooperation" are heard audibly), they hug, and return to the living room. Legolas takes a seat in a large pink comfortable chair and scoots it away from the hobbits' couch before settling down. Gimli hops onto one of the pink armrests and sits. Legolas stares at Gimli's back for a long time, seemingly forgetting about the shampoo incident-at least, for the moment.  
  
  
  
12:45 PM  
  
It took about five minutes for everyone to realize that someone was missing.  
  
"Hey, where's Gandalf?" Borimir asks suddenly, breaking the silence.  
  
"Sleeping. Go wake him up, Borimir." Aragorn nudges Borimir in the side.  
  
"No! Remember what happened to Saruman? The carpet wouldn't stop smoldering for weeks, and he voted himself off in the end."  
  
"His nails were too long, anyway…" mumbles Sam.  
  
"Not to mention wearing white after labor day," adds Frodo quietly.  
  
"Everyone," begins Merry. "Let's vote for this. Let's all agree on one person to go-"  
  
"Big Fellowship," came the unanimous reply.  
  
"It works. Everyone hates 'im anyway. Don't matter if Gandalf tosses 'im around a bit, eh?" Pippin says.  
  
"I resent that. But I'll go wake him up anyway. Not because you asked me, but because he needs to be here." Big Fellowship grumbles, and a moment later, 'Good Morning, Good Morning' by the Beatles plays full blast throughout the house.  
  
"NOTHING TO DO TO SAVE HIS LIFE CALL HIS WIFE IN  
  
NOTHING TO SAY BUT WHAT'S A DAY HOW'S YOUR BOY BEEN  
  
NOTHING TO DO IT'S UP TO YOU  
  
I'VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY BUT IT'S OKAY  
  
GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING!!!………"  
  
Everyone in the living room claps their hands over their ears and cringes. The music finally dies down (It took a bit longer for Big Fellowship to stop belting out the lyrics), and the Company turns to the hallway leading to Gandalf's room.  
  
A low roar rumbles down the hall to the living room, and a bedraggled Gandalf storms inside, wielding his staff, setting the drapes on fire, firing random lightning bolts, etc. "BLOODY HELL LET ME SLEEP!!" The cameras in the living room go fuzzy, and blank out to darkness and static. There's only an audio recording from then on:  
  
"G-gandalf! Calm down!"  
  
"Get back, Aragorn! Cranky wizards pack a massive punch!"  
  
"YOU'RE ALL DELIBERATELY TRYING TO DEPRIVE ME OF MY MUCH NEEDED REST!"  
  
"Gandalf! No! The china cabinet!"  
  
"Duck, Master Frodo!"  
  
FWOOSH.  
  
"My hair! My hair!"  
  
"Stop squirming, Legolas, let me put out the flames!"  
  
SPLASH.  
  
"Oops, heh, sorry, Borimir."  
  
"Gimli! You butterfingers!!"  
  
"Pippin, look out!"  
  
"Mister Gandalf-"  
  
WHUMP.  
  
"Fool of a Took!—Unhand me, you ruffians!"  
  
"Good; he's on the ground! Hold him down, I'll get some rope!"  
  
"Hurry, Merry!"  
  
Not much is heard besides the sounds of a struggle and random shout-outs ("My staff! You DARE take away a wizard's staff!!!") until Merry comes back with the rope.  
  
"Merry! 'S about time! Queek, I got 'is legs! Ooch, me foot… Strider, get offa me foot…"  
  
"Sorry, Pippin."  
  
The cameras slowly blink back on, and a Ringwraith-only visible to the viewers-is seen in front, giving a thumbs up, and glides away with the other Nazguls, all carrying mechanical repair equipment and such.  
  
Gandalf is on the ground, bound and gagged, his staff put safely away in a cupboard. The Fellowship seat him up comfortably on the couch, resume their original positions, and sit quietly, waiting for Big Fellowship's chat. 


	3. The Task O' The Week

1 Title: Big Fellowship  
  
Chapter: 3  
  
Author: doodlez  
  
Note: Thank you for your reviews, criticisms, praise, etc. I love reviews! I also love my new piano sheet music for Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter (Hedwig's Theme-cool cool cool!)! You can get them at your local piano/music store. Now all I need is the soundtrack. Hint hint-me birthday's comin' up on May 13-cough cough. Anyway. Let's get to this long- awaited chat, shall we?  
  
Oh, and I realized that I've been spelling Borimir's name wrong. I looked it up in the books and saw that it was spelled "Boromir." My most sincere apologies to all those Boromir fans out there (I'm sure there are Boromir fans, right? Come on, lemme see some hands…), and I'll try to remember to spell his name right.  
  
12:55 AM  
  
"So! Ahm, anyway…" Gimli looks expectantly up at the cameras placed in the corners of the room (not knowing that there are also hidden cameras between seat cushions of the couches –rarely used-, in the potted plants, and other various nooks and crannies). "Big Fellowship…?"  
  
"Yes?" Big Fellowship's reply comes smoothly out of the speakers.  
  
"Erm… didn't you want to talk to us about something?"  
  
"Like what?"  
  
Boromir sighs and rubs his temples; this was annoying everyone after the Gandalf incident. "The TASK, you brainless spawn of a cow's udder!"  
  
"Oh! Right. No need to get irritable, Mr. Touchy… so. The special task o' the week. Let me see." There's the odd sound of ruffling papers, and Big Fellowship clears his throat before continuing:  
  
"Memo to: Big Fellowship  
  
From: Creators, Writers, Producers, and Phil  
  
Subject: Task of the Week for Week 3  
  
Hi! How are you? Doing fine over here. Hey, I got you the blueberry muffin recipe you've been asking for, here it is:  
  
1 egg  
  
1 cup of sugar  
  
1 cup of butter-"  
  
"Great Mother of Gardening Tools, get on with it!" Sam hisses from the hobbits' couch. Legolas looks a bit disappointed and puts away the pencil and paper he'd been using to write down the ingredients.  
  
"Yes, yes, I'll just skip that…here we go:  
  
The special task of the week (Week 3) will need:  
  
5 pairs of handcuffs  
  
5 2-foot long rope-"  
  
"MMMMMMMF!" Gandalf gives out a muffled shout through his handkerchief gag, eye twitching, veins popping, etc.  
  
"Jeez louise! You know what? I'm just gonna tell you in my own words." Big Fellowship's scowl is heard through his sentence, and he continues. "If you haven't noticed already, you guys always hang out in small groups. You never mix and mingle, like you should. So to get rid of this problem, we're going to handcuff you to a partner for 24 hours-"  
  
Horrified gasps and a few loud curses cut him off.  
  
"Ah, ehm, ah got a question? Do we get ta choose ah own partneh?" Pippin squeaks anxiously, tightening his grip on Merry's hand protectively.  
  
"No, we've already chosen them for you. And I'll tell you one thing: you probably won't like the arrangements." Big Fellowship speaks with an insanely giddy tone of voice. Obviously torture was a hobby he enjoyed. He continues, ignoring the Company's threats and wails. "And now I'll read off the list of partners, shall I?… Ahem. Gimli is pairing up with Merry…"  
  
Neither of them look too happy about it.  
  
"Legolas and Boromir…"  
  
"Outrageous, simply disgusting…" Boromir mutters through his teeth. Legolas casually inspects his nails, masking his anger for now.  
  
"Pippin and Gandalf…"  
  
Gandalf shoots a death glare at Pippin, who inches away from the bound and gagged wizard with a nervous smile. "Heh…old chum…?"  
  
"Sam and Aragorn…"  
  
Sam stands up, face flustered. "B-but you can't do that! I'm s-supposed to be paired with Master Frodo! A-and if there's an odd number of us, then w- who does he get paired up with?"  
  
"Ah, I was just about to tell you. We handpicked an extra-special partner for Frodo here…"  
  
Frodo looks a bit pale in the face. Sam does his best to try and comfort him.  
  
The entire Company jumps and stops talking when there's a knock on the door. They look at each other, expecting someone to run up and answer it.  
  
"Well? Someone get the door… Frodo, why don't you, since it's your partner?" Big Fellowship says sweetly, more an order than a suggestion.  
  
Frodo stands up, a bit wobbly-kneed and strides down the hall. The Company peeks around the corner, but goes no closer. The former Ring-bearer tentatively reaches for the doorknob, pulling back his hand at the last second and peeking out the small window at the top of the door.  
  
"Mother [censored] SH-[censored]!!! BLOODY HELL NO!!!" He screeches in disgust and fear upon sight of the person on the doorstep, stumbling backwards and falling on his back, continuing to scoot away from the door.  
  
"Frodo, now, calm down, please, and don't use such language. Brings down the ratings, y'know-"  
  
"Shut up!!" Aragorn angrily cuts off Big Fellowship. The Company anxiously peers at the door…  
  
Creeeak… click. The door slowly opens. An immediately recognizable hiss emits from the creature in the doorway.  
  
"Ssssstupid unhossssssspitable people, no, don't even let in Preciousss when knocking on door, no…"  
  
"Oh, God, no. Not you…" Gimli sighs in exasperation and disgust. The rest of the Company share his feelings. Legolas points accusationally at the puddle of greenish-bluish slime on the floor under the guest's feet, shouting, "You're dripping! Who do you think is going to clean up this mess?!"  
  
"Who cares, you conceited elf?! Poor Master Frodo, having to be paired with Gollum…" Sam pats the numb Frodo on the back. Frodo looks limp, sitting slumped on the floor like a rag doll. Even Gandalf looks a tad sorry for him, and would have said something sympathetic if he weren't gagged.  
  
"My heart bleedssss…" Gollum scowls, waddling past the Company and into the kitchen, where he begins ransacking the cupboards for Froot Loops, Lucky Charms, and other cereal that, when taken in extremely large doses, turns you into a slimy green lizard man with four strands of hair, webbed appendages, an annoying lisp, and unusual obsessions. "Precioussssss… precioussss has his Looky Charmsss, yessss…"  
  
"Okay, now. Now that we have all our partners, let's get chained up, shall we?" Big Fellowship says over the speakers. "If you'd just stand about two feet away from your partner, please…"  
  
The Company looks disgusted and confused, but slowly shuffle over to their partners (Frodo had to be dragged over to Gollum, and it didn't help when Honey Nut Cheerios got sprayed all over his face). At Big Fellowship's shout of "Now!" they all raised their arms, and thin metal bands appeared on each of their wrists. The bands were then attached to a two-foot long rope, which was then attached to their partner, much to everyone's disappointment.  
  
"Ah, there we go. It pays to have magic-using people working for you…now, all. For every disagreement that you have with your partner, the rope will magically shrink one inch shorter. Keep this in mind, you'll be sleeping in the same room, you know…" he continues, though many of the Company had started gagging and shouting at once. "…so if you've been arguing so much that you don't have any rope left between you, then you're not only in the same room, but most likely the same bed, as well… of course, this also works the other way. For every agreement you have with each other, the rope will grow one inch longer. Also remember that the length of your rope will affect the end of the week's vote-off. Any questions?"  
  
"Yeah," Aragorn raises his hand, and Sam is lifted off the ground for a few seconds until the Ranger puts his arm back down. "What kind of a sick person would think of such a thing?!"  
  
"Oh, stop whining. You've only got …let's see… 23 hours and 45 minutes left. Did I mention the extra assignment at the end? Ah, well, tell you later. Until then, toodles!" There's a click, and Big Fellowship is gone, leaving the Company to brood over this new predicament.  
  
Gandalf, taking advantage of his size over Pippin, simply walks over to the cupboard, dragging the poor hobbit behind. He flings open the door and fished out his staff, giving Pippin two hearty whacks on the head. "That was for the bounding and gagging." Pippin whimpers and rubs his smarting noggin. Their rope shrinks an inch.  
  
Nobody notices this abuse, being too busy trying to decide which way to go, which foot to start out with, which one is worse off, which cereal to eat next, and other problems you might have when you're tied to another person for 24 hours… 


	4. It's a Mad mad Mad Mad Mad Mad MAD (And ...

1 Title: BIG FELLOWSHIP  
  
Author: Doodlez  
  
Chapter: 4 (Wow, 4 chapters already! **Beams*)  
  
Note: I'm so…so…so sorry for being so slow. I'm busy! Stupid school. I hate all this…school-related stuff. Hey, everyone! Let's go burn down ALL the schools! Who's with me, yay or nay?!  
  
Mob: …Which one means yes?  
  
Me: (Sigh) Yay.  
  
Mob: YAAAAAAY!  
  
Yes, that was a Robin Hood: Men in Tights reference. Hey. That gives me a wicked idea… LOTR/men in Tights? I'm …afraid…  
  
Oh, and I just saw LOTR again, for my own pleasure and for the benefit of all you LOTR fans out there…I know you're there. Along with the Borimor fans, right? Yeah, I see you…  
  
…Wait…it's spelled "Borimor", right? …Stupid name.  
  
I've also been working on my Pippin accent. I'll try my best to make him sound more Scottish and less …well, less something else. Again, sorry for taking so long.  
  
I know advertising for other stories is kind of odd, but… people… please check out Bagenders! That fanfic so rocks…  
  
  
  
1:00 PM  
  
Gollum and Frodo are still in the kitchen. Frodo's face is still quite pale, and Gollum's staying his nice, healthy blue-ish green.  
  
Gollum rips off the top of a Pixie Stix packet and dumps it into a Frosted Flakes cereal box, muttering inaudibly to himself, hissing and speaking in his lispy voice. "Hssss, Sssssssmeagol must eat sssssugar to erasssssse mind of problemssssss…" He suddenly starts to sob, part from self-pity, part from the sugar-high, and wraps his arms around Frodo, weeping openly onto his shoulder. Frodo's left eye twitches, and he tries desperately to get away. Gollum has Frodo in a death grip and won't let go.  
  
  
  
1:15  
  
Sam and Aragorn are having a quiet yet heated discussion outside on the lawn. Apparently, they've been at it for quite some time, because their rope is only a couple inches long.  
  
Sam hisses, glaring at Aragorn "Mister Frodo is mine…And you had best back off, Mister Strider!"  
  
Aragorn cuffs Sam on the side of the head "Who says he's yours?! …I mean… who even says that I'm attracted to him?! You disgusting git!"  
  
"Me! I was with him first! And I've seen you…trying to sneak a peek at him when we're taking our morning ba--" Aragorn cuts off Sam by clapping a hand over his mouth and smiling friendly-like to Gimli and Merry, who were walking by.  
  
"Heh, hello, Merry…Gimli…"  
  
Merry and Gimli just give them an odd look and continue walking. They seem to be getting along, and their rope is about two and a half feet long now. Once out of sight, they resume holding hands. Aragorn makes sure they're out of earshot before he removes his hand from Sam's mouth and examines the red pockmarks where the stubborn hobbit had been gnawing on it. "Youuuu…"  
  
Sam sticks out his tongue "Pervy hobbit-fancier!"  
  
"Impish little slime!"  
  
"Pansy!"  
  
"Git!"  
  
"Bastard!"  
  
"Cretin!"  
  
This namecalling continues until both voices are so hoarse that a female bullfrog mistook their shouts for two males having a mating call frenzy and hopped over, only to be outrageously disappointed, and slinks back to her pond.  
  
  
  
1:30  
  
Legolas and Boromir (Borimor? Boromir? Argh.) sit on opposite ends of the couch, sharing the same theory that if nothing is said, there's no chance of an argument or disagreement, therefore, the rope does not shrink. They blankly stare at the TV, watching a bad soap opera. Both seemed too spaced out to even be paying any attention to the plot, but this was not the case.  
  
"Why did you call me to your room, Mai?"  
  
"Oh, Jack… I'm so sorry…"  
  
"Mai, sit down and tell me what's wrong."  
  
"Jack… do you remember when, after the shark-attack-turned-amnesia- incident? I was staying in the hospital? And William would visit me?"  
  
"William? My half-brother's friend's cousin?"  
  
"Yes… well… that night, when I got out of the hospital… and William dropped me off at my apartment…"  
  
Jack gasps. "You…"  
  
"Yes, Jack… I'm pregnant."  
  
A lone tear trickles down Boromir's face, and he bites his lip, holding back a sob. Legolas weeps openly, wailing into his pillow. "NO, Mai! Why? Why did you do it… (Sob) Whyyyyy…" Boromir grabs a box of tissues and blows his nose, handing the box to Legolas, who takes out a few tissues and wipes his face, smearing mascara and eyeliner.  
  
"Y-y'know, Legolas… I-it could be Jack's baby…"  
  
"Boromir… you just could be right!"  
  
This would have turned into a very graphic make-out fest if the author hadn't started to feel sick and threw Gandalf and Pippin into the scene.  
  
Gandalf and Pippin had apparently been into Gandalf's stash of hobbit weed, and were stumbling and weaving down the hall, singing at an annoyingly high volume. The lyrics of the song are basically incomprehensible, due to Pippin's accent and Gandalf's drunken slur, but the chorus can be made out:  
  
"(Hic) Hoot, mannn, out of me way, who da ya think ya arrrre…" they erupt into gales of laughter and both try to take a drag from the same pipe, but only manage to bump into each other and lose their balance, toppling over and falling onto the couch, where Boromir and Legolas were sitting.  
  
Pippin looks up at Boromir and grins widely, patting his cheek affectionately. "Oy, Borry… Ah never got ta thank yew for killing y'self so 'zat me'n Merry could get cappy-tured by d'Orcs, 'ight? Ha ha ha ha ha!…"  
  
Gandalf also laughs, slapping his knee so violently that the couch shudders and creaks, threatening to break. Legolas tries to get away, then remembers he's tied to Boromir, and just edges as far away from the wizard and hobbit as he can.  
  
Pippin begins to sing again, mumbling "Hoot" a few times, and suddenly falls asleep in Boromir's lap, snoring contentedly. Gandalf pops his head up over the armrest, sees the sleeping hobbit, and decides that this is also a good time for a nap. He staggers to his feet and stumbles to his room, dragging Pippin behind on the rope. Room 1 is heard slamming shut, and loud snores not far behind.  
  
Legolas and Boromir look at each other, lost for words. They hadn't seen anyone quite so high since Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday party. The romantic fanfare from the soap opera grabs their attention again, and they turn back to 'Loving Love'.  
  
6:00 PM  
  
((Yes, we're skipping all that time between then and now. See, my Toblerone supply is running low, and the sugar high is starting to wear off... Sorry. I sincerely apologize. To prevent this from happening again, O Great Big Fellowship fans, just send me a year's supply of candy for my birthday (May 13th). Your donations are greatly appreciated. Thank you.))  
  
"Ow! Legolas! You burnt my hand again! Tell me when you're going to move your arm, please…"  
  
"Sorry, Boromir, but the green onions needed mincing—Gollum, Frodo, out. Out! Shoo!" Legolas nudged the two creatures out of the kitchen area with his boot. Frodo gave Legolas a wilting look, greatly desiring company other than the slimy green former hobbit he was attached to. Legolas turns away, trying to avoid the puppy-eyed stare. "Frodo, please, don't look at me like that…"  
  
"Sssssss, Smeagol climb tree, yesssss…" Gollum hisses and starts racing outside, dragging Frodo behind. He slides open the glass door and leaps into the large maple tree in the backyard, slithering up the trunk like a lizard/cockroach/squirrel thing. Frodo is pulled against his will up into the branches, managing to squeak "Help--" before disappearing into the foliage.  
  
6:15 PM  
  
The Horn of Gondor blasts three times, calling everyone to dinner.  
  
Gimli and Merry are first to show, bearing no scars or signs of mental agony. They take a seat on one side of the dining-room table. Sam and Aragorn sit down and scoot their chairs as far away from each other as possible, though it's hard when they only have one inch of rope left between them, and can only get about arm's length from each other. Even then, it's hard to eat.  
  
Gollum appears, dragging Frodo behind, and hunches over in a chair next to Gimli, rubbing his hands together and drooling onto the tablecloth. "Oooo, Preciousssss is to be fed…" Frodo sits numbly, having the same vacant expression as he once did when he was first tied to Gollum. Sam shoots his most sympathetic look at Frodo, who doesn't seem to notice.  
  
Legolas and Boromir sit down at the head of the table. Legolas looks over at Gimli and Merry holding hands, and watches them, shocked, mouth agape. He soon recovers, and glares. He would have a little chat with the dwarf later.  
  
Gandalf and Pippin finally show up, looking bedraggled (Not too uncommon for Gandalf) and in pain. Pippin rubs his temples and falls into a chair, blinking and groaning. "Ummgfh… oh, me achin' head…"  
  
Gandalf, though not looking as bad as Pippin, is also pretty sick, and shakes his head to clear it. "What's fer dinner?…"  
  
Legolas stands up, almost never skipping the chance to show off about anything, even when he's mad at someone. "Beef casserole, fresh grilled salmon, steamed cauliflower…" he stops, realizing everyone's too busy eating to listen. He smiles, taking this as a compliment, and sits, eating as well.  
  
A/N: Happy ending, right? Heh heh. We shall see. Remember, there's still a whole night and a morning to go until they're unhandcuffed! What happens in those beds? Stay tuned to Big Fellowship to find out! Begin commercial break 


	5. Mr. Spoon And Other Things

1 Title: Big Fellowship  
  
Author: Doodlez  
  
Chapter: 5  
  
A/N: Lord of the Rings soundtrack… Ohhh, so p-pretty and sad… even 'Concerning Hobbits'… Sobs …Gah, sugar crash… Anyway. LOTR and all other related stuff belongs to me, and so does NBC. So there. :P  
  
A/N #2: Please don't sue me. Honestly. It's just a joke. Ha, ha! Get it? I was just joking, I don't own anything. …Uh, besides LOTR soundtrack, Harry Potter soundtrack, lots of gift certificates/cards (Shopping spree time! (), lots of candy, LOTR trilogy in paperback, Gandalf poster, and, of course, Big Fellowship. ( Happy birthday to meee… oh, and a big shout-out to all me buddies! I had a great time and-… Gasps Awed whimper Oh… The Ringwraith song… Starts to cry again Sooo many months until the Two Towers comes out… Sigh Well, until then… I'll do my best to keep Big Fellowship going! I swear I'll put up chapters much, much faster in the summer. I'm just so very busy right now…lots of things going on at the end of the school year. Anyway! Now I continue! Book report shall have to wait!  
  
  
  
6:40 PM  
  
Most of the Fellowship were half-asleep near the end of their meal. It had been a long, hard day for them all. Pippin is the last to finish. Apparently hobbit weed builds up one's appetite when taken in such large quantities.  
  
Pippin picks up the last bite of casserole with his fork and brings it up to his mouth to finish it, when it topples off the prongs, bounces off his lap, and falls onto the floor. Without a moment's hesitation, he bends over and scoops it up onto his fork again, shoveling it into his mouth and swallowing.  
  
Gandalf, almost completely sobered up by now, shoots him a look of disgust. "Fool of a Took! You just ate that off the floor."  
  
Pippin cranes his head up to look Gandalf in the eyes, and shrugs. "So?"  
  
"Do you have any idea what's been on this floor?"  
  
"Ah, five secon' rule, r'member?"  
  
"It was on the ground longer than five seconds."  
  
"Wos not."  
  
"Was too."  
  
"Wos s'not!"  
  
"Was too!"  
  
"Oh, hush up," Legolas shushes the both of them, and picks up Pippin's plate. He starts for the kitchen, then stops suddenly, causing his and Borimor's rope to jerk back. The Son of Gondor bumps into a chair and crashes onto the ground.  
  
"What the hell'd ya do that for, you elven son of a Balrog—"  
  
"Pippin!" Legolas growls quickly, ignoring Borimor. "You didn't eat your vegetables."  
  
Pippin fumbles around for his missing napkin, finally giving up and wiping his mouth with his shirt sleeve. "I dun' like veggies."  
  
Legolas quirks an eyebrow. "My cooking will not go to waste. I did not spend blood and sweat over this food to watch it go down the disposal, young man!"  
  
"'Obbit."  
  
"I did not spend blood and sweat over this food to watch it go down the disposal, young hobbit!"  
  
"Tha's better."  
  
Legolas scowls, and dips a fork into Pippin's pile of untouched peas, lifting them up to eye level. "You…will…eat…these… and I'll make sure you do!" His eyes flared a reddish hue, reminding the Fellowship of the amount of magic the elf could yield at a wave of a hand. Gandalf raises his white, wiry eyebrows, deciding to stay and watch. (Not that he had a choice, being tied to Pippin, and all…anyway.)  
  
Legolas clamps one hand on Pippin's jaw and brings the spoon closer with the other. "Here comes Miiister Spoooon!" he coos in a sing-song voice, then adds in a malicious undertone "Open wide, you furry bastard…"  
  
Pippin clamps his mouth shut and shakes his head ferociously.  
  
"Eat your PEAS!"  
  
"Nuh-uhhmm."  
  
"Open your mouth, dammit!!"  
  
"Mmm."  
  
"I SAID OPEN YOUR MOUTH!" Legolas wrenches apart Pippin's mouth and shoves the spoon in, halfway up the handle. Pippin gags and pulls out the spoon, which is pea-free. This gets a smirk from Legolas, and a quiet applaud from the rest of the Fellowship. "Dinner and a show!" seems to be the shared remark.  
  
The hobbit wipes his green tongue on the tablecloth and makes a face. "Yechhh."  
  
"Oh, quit whining. I hope that teaches you a lesson, inconsiderate little wench." Legolas and Borimor take the rest of the plates into the kitchen, and the crowd disperses, seeing that the performance is over.  
  
Sam and Aragorn stay in the kitchen to clean up; it's Aragorn's turn for the dishes tonight. Sam's complaint about having to do the dishes twice this week begins a full-fledged argument between the two (Excerpt: "Wha-?! …Well, yo' mama!"), ending only when Borimor threatened to stick his Horn of Gondor into their faces if they didn't shut up, which only led to disgusted looks and sniggering from the formerly bickering duo. Borimor shakes his head, realizing that what he said didn't exactly come out right.  
  
"No, no, that's not what I meant, you sick people…bah, I give up." Borimor scowls and drags Legolas to the living room, where everyone else is watching a movie on television.  
  
"Hey, wait…where'd the TV come from? It certainly wasn't here before…anyone have any idea?" Legolas asks Merry/Gimli, Pippin/Gandalf, and Frodo/Gollum, who are lounging on the sofa and chairs. A unanimous shrug ripples throughout the mass of flesh and clothing, then settles again, their attention focused on the television. A lone Ringwraith is seen edging out of the living room, nursing an electrocuted hand and cursing in Silmarin under its breath.  
  
Legolas and Borimor join the rest of them, slowly turning into mindless zombies, slaves to the entertainment box.  
  
A/N: Oh, sure, the TV seems harmless, BUT! What horrible fate awaits them? With gifts come… …with gifts come… …non-gift…things! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Evil laughter) (Cough cough cough) Ack. I'm okay. Anyway… I'll be working on chapter 6! 


	6. Of Ping-Pong and Pillows

Title: Big Fellowship  
  
Chapter: 6 (It's about time, isn't it?)  
  
Author: Doodlez  
  
A/N: I'm sorry! I'm sorryyy! I've been lazy, and fresh out of ideas, and haven't done anything on Big Fellowship until now. I promise I'll work harder to update more frequently! I'll do something to make it up to you guys! I promise!  
  
(RANDOM DRAGONBALL Z QUOTE)  
  
Piccolo: I promise.  
  
Lord of the Worlds: Well, I suppose. you have an honest face.  
  
Piccolo: (Thinking) And you have horrible eyesight.  
  
Yes, I am a Dragonball Z fan. But isn't everybody? I mean, I get the graphic novels from the library, which is so very close, and the comics are so very cool. anyway. Oh, and I'm sure some of you noticed my screw-up in Chapter 5: There already WAS a television. Remember? Legolas and Borimor were watching a soap opera. so Legolas can't be puzzled about the television. sorry about that. So. I'll try to fix that. Anyway. Onward ho!  
  
8:00 PM  
  
One bad sitcom and two game shows later ("Just how many versions of Weakest Link ARE there?" muses Frodo), the Fellowship heads off to bed, only to find that two of their bedrooms had disappeared. They patiently wait for an explanation from Big Fellowship.  
  
8:10 PM  
  
"Dammit! Say something!" Aragorn barks.  
  
"Juth a minuff." Big Fellowship mumbles, sounds of crunching and snorting is heard. Eating noises.  
  
8:15 PM  
  
Big Fellowship is apparently done with his meal ("Big Fellowship can't always be watching, you know!"), and he clears his throat to speak.  
  
"The Council of El. ehh. .the producers decided that we needed to merge the four bedrooms into two, larger ones."  
  
"Why?" Borimor asks, after a short silence.  
  
"Because it gave you room for a ping-pong table."  
  
Frodo and Gollum shuffle around the corner. Two whoops (a hiss, in Gollum's case) of delight and sounds of ping-ponging are heard, confirming that there is a new ping-pong table in the spot where Borimor and Aragorn's room used to be.  
  
Aragorn looks up at one of the many cameras, scowling. "I never agreed to this!"  
  
"Check your contract, and I will bet you this Happy Meal that you will find a paragraph there, stating that. lemme see." There are sounds of rustling papers. ".It says. My, lots of big words. .well, basically it means that we're allowed to make decisions for you as long as your are a resident of the Big Fellowship household."  
  
"But you took and burnt our contracts once we finished signing them." Borimor blinks, sudden suspicions arousing. "Heyyy. Wait a minute." He's cut off by a ping-pong ball to the head, hit by Frodo. "Oi, heads up!" Pippin calls, a bit too late. "It's a bit hard, bein' tied to ye' opponent, y'know. heehee! Missed that'un, Gollum!"  
  
Borimor collapses on the ground, holding his head and wailing in agony. Aragorn kneels at his side.  
  
"My King. I have. failed."  
  
Sam and Legolas exchange glances. Sam looks down at Borimor and kicks his side. "Get up. It's just a ping-pong ball."  
  
Borimor and Aragorn scowl, angry that their chance to be overly emotional (Or, one might say, romantic.) with each other had been spoiled by a hobbit and an elf (an elf, and a hobbit who is envious that Aragorn and Borimor get more action than himself and a certain Frodo Baggins, to be more exact).  
  
(A/N: I am queen of run-on sentences! All hail my grammatical error-ness. I SAID ALL HAIL, DAMMIT! HAIL! NOW! And while you're at it, get me some more dum-dums.)  
  
The two get up, and begin to head off to the bedrooms, dragging Legolas and Sam behind them. Legolas has no objection to going to bed so early without a game of ping-pong, as long as he gets top bunk. Borimor agrees, settling down on the bottom bunk. Legolas hops nimbly up to his bunk, landing silently and cat-like ("Showoff," mutters Sam). He applies an herbal beauty mask and lays cucumbers over his eyes before laying back on top of his covers (One arm dangling over the side; there wasn't that much slack in their rope).  
  
Aragorn ducks his head to enter the bottom bunk, and Sam begins to climb the stairs to the top. They suddenly jerk back and fall onto the ground with quiet yelps of surprise.  
  
"A.Aragorn." Sam gasps in horror, staring at his handcuffed wrist. There was only one inch of rope between their two wrists.  
  
"No." Aragorn stares wide-eyed at their wrists, his gaze slowly travelling back to their double bunk, which had suddenly and magically changed into a single Queen-sized bed.  
  
Legolas opens one eye, peering over at them, and closes it again, muttering nonchalantly, "Well, you're screwed."  
  
10:00 PM  
  
It's the night before Tuesday, and all through the house  
  
Not a creature/Man/hobbit/wizard/former-hobbit-lizard-thing is stirring,  
  
Not even a mouse (or a ping-pong ball).  
  
All the stockings are hung by the bedside with care,  
  
In hopes that small Gollum will be driven away by the smell and won't be there.  
  
The inhabitants of the Big Fellowship house are snug in their beds, While visions of homocides and severe maiming to the other Fellowship members dance in their heads.  
  
And then from Room 2 there arose such a clatter, Pippin rose from his bed to see what was the matter.  
  
And rise Pippin did, looking out over the room from his high perch on one of the top bunks in Room 1. His super-sensitive hobbit hearing (Hobbit ears aren't that big for nothing, you know) pick up muffled sounds coming from the room next to him. He grips the side of the bed and swings his head below, poking Gandalf with his finger. "Oy, Ganny, gittup. I wanna see wha's goin' on."  
  
Gandalf groans and rolls over, knocking his ankles together painfully (His feet were hanging over the end of the bed). He groans again, slowly sitting up, knocking his head on the bottom of the top bunk, and falling back again.  
  
"Owww."  
  
"C'mon, old man," Pippin mumbles, sliding off the top bunk and and onto the floor.  
  
10:01 PM  
  
There is (and has been, for the past minute) movement in Room 2. One of the cameras zooms in for a closer look at the single Queen-sized bed, occupied by Sam and Aragorn. The camera switches to night-vision, and Aragorn can be seen with his arms around Sam. Sam's nestled right next to Aragorn, resting his head on one of his arms. Aragorn smiles in his sleep and leans over slightly to kiss Sam on the ear. Sam smiles, snuggling down into the covers. He suddenly snaps open his eyes, and looks around, staring wide-eyed at Aragorn's arms. "Wh.. what are you doing? Why did you kiss my ear?." Sam hisses. Aragorn also opens his eyes, looking around, and opens his mouth for an answer, but has none.  
  
Sam's face pales, and he gulps, adding after a moment, "Where is your hand?"  
  
"Between two pillows."  
  
".THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!"  
  
Both Man and hobbit jump up, slapping themselves and shivering uncontrollably, attempting to make normal male conversation ("S-so. did you see those Cubs last week?" "Oh, yeah. great. great team." "Yeah. really. great.").  
  
The door to Room 2 opens, and Pippin and Gandalf poke their heads in (Gandalf is illuminating the room, thanks to his handy-dandy glowing rock, as seen in the Fellowship of the Ring movie*), seeing Aragorn and Sam, standing casually, communicating in stutters and grunts.  
  
"Well. Everythin' seems ta be al'ight."  
  
"Yes. Back to bed, then?"  
  
"Affer you, ol' man."  
  
"Thank you." They disappear back into Room 1, and are snoring within minutes. Sam and Aragorn remain where they stand, both unwilling to go back into the bed.  
  
TUESDAY (finally)  
  
2:00 AM  
  
There is movement in Room 2.  
  
A camera with night-vision reveals a rising Gimli. He rises, stretches, and hops onto the floor, stumbling out of bed, half-asleep, dragging an unconscious Merry behind him. "Bathroom," he mutters, shuffling past a rigid Sam and Aragorn, who both nod sleepily, still refusing to go back to bed.  
  
Gimli drags Merry out of the room, into the bathroom, and back to Room 2. "G'night," he mutters to Sam and Aragorn, flinging Merry over his shoulder and onto the top bunk. Merry continues sleeping. Gimli stumbles forward, landing with a whump on the bottom bunk, slipping back under the covers and snoring loudly.  
  
4:00 AM  
  
Legolas sits up, his inner alarm clock shrieking. He peels off the cucumbers but keeps his eyes closed, staying still for a few minutes until he's wide awake, and jumps off the top bunk, landing silently on the ground. He nudges Borimor awake. "Time to make breakfast!" he whispers cheerfully, and straightens, turning to see a still-standing Sam and Aragorn. Both have heavy dark circles under their eyes, and even if they wanted to go back into the bed, they couldn't, because their limbs and muscles were too stiff to move from standing so long.  
  
Legolas blinks, looking at both of them, and shrugs, walking out of the room and down the hall to the kitchen (he decided to skip his morning exercises-some of them were just too hard to do when tied to another person), Borimor stumbling sleepily behind.  
  
7:00 AM  
  
Gollum opens both of his beady eyes and sits up, stretching his long, spindly arms. He glances at a digital clock next to the bed (he had raved about his "glowing, time-telling precioussss" for hours until Frodo had knocked him out with a heavy book to make him shut up and go to sleep), and gasps, leaping up and dragging Frodo to the living room. Frodo blinks, beginning to gain consciousness. ".Mmmfg..eh? Where're we going?"  
  
"Mussssssn't missssss Ssssailor Moon-NOOOOOO! PRECIOUSSSS!" Gollum howls upon entering the living room, and collapses at the spot where the TV had been. "PRECIOUSSSS.gone."  
  
Frodo raises his head, still not fully awake yet. "Mm. y'know, y'have some .possessive probl'ms."  
  
Gollum continues sobbing and shrieking, beginning to wake up the household. Two by two, they slowly file into the living room. "Where's th' fire?." Pippin mumbles, rubbing at his eyes. Gandalf leans on his staff, beginning to drift back to sleep. He isn't used to waking up before 12.  
  
"My PRECIOUSSSS is gone.GONE!" Gollum wails, clutching at the air.  
  
Big Fellowship is heard yawning. "Ohh. that. the television is brought out only when we-well, I, really-decide to reward you. I gave you the television earlier because I thought it would be a good distraction from your handcuffs an' ropes. how very sweet of me. now, if you don't mind, I have some sleep to catch up on. Big Fellowship out."  
  
The cast is silent, save Gollum's occasional sniffs. Legolas claps his hands. "Well. now that we're all up, why not have some breakfast? Come on, everyone, into the kitchen. say, where's Sam and Aragorn?"  
  
Merry looks down the hall. "Well, last I saw 'em, they were havin' some sort of starin' contest. or a standin' contest. it's been runnin' pretty long, but I think Aragorn's beginning to wear down. Anybody willing to place a bet?."  
  
"I bet my wristwatch on Sam!"  
  
"And I'll bet my Midnight Blue nail polish that neither of them will last another hour."  
  
"I'll add my lucky Mariners cap to the pot!"  
  
*And it can be yours for the incredibly low price of $189.99! Just send cash (cash ONLY) in an envelope to me, and you'll receive your handy-dandy glowing rock in the mail within a few short years! (Not responsible for handling of glowing rock or damage to glowing rock during shipping and handling or disappearance of glowing rock during shipping and handling.)  
  
(A/N: Another chapter of Big Fellowship. done! It is now 3:00 AM, I ran out of lemonheads, and they PLAYED this song a couple hours ago! Bad radio station! BAD!  
  
This is a pretty long chapter. I hope it makes up for waiting so long to make it. I'll draw some pictures, that's what I'll do! Heeheehee. yes. Oh, the "Those aren't pillows!" scene © the movie Trains, Planes, and Automobiles. Cute movie. Go see.  
  
So, until next chapter: Ta! Big Fellowship out.) 


	7. Free At Last, Free At Last

Title: Big Fellowship  
  
Chapter: 7 (Woohoo!)  
  
Author: doodlez  
  
A/N: I realized that every chapter besides the first one has started out with an excuse and an apology. Well, you know what? I'm NOT making up an excuse. I'm NOT apologizing. I am simply going to announce that  
  
I AM A LAZY, PROCRASTINATING BUM WHO NEEDS A FRIGGIN' DEADLINE SO I WILL HAVE A "LAST MINUTE" TO HOLD OFF EVERYTHING UNTIL.  
  
There. You now know the truth. And from now on, my official deadline will be the 13th of every month (Because I was born on the 13th of May, and. and yeah), and I'll slowly shorten the deadlines until I'm flinging out Big Fellowship chapters every week. Hoowah!  
  
In other news, the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring 2-Disc DVD set was very satisfying. I spent five and a half hours watching the movie and all the special features. can't wait 'til the Director's Cut Edition comes out. 4 discs, a half hour of bonus footage. Nglaaa. (Wipes away drool)  
  
Anyway! Carpe diem! Seize the day! Big Fellowship awaits!  
  
TUESDAY (Continued)  
  
7:30 AM  
  
Well, pretty soon, watching Sam and Aragorn do nothing but stand and stare at each other got pretty boring, so the Fellowship scattered to separate parts of the house: Legolas/Boromir back to the kitchen to finish cooking breakfast; Merry/Gimli to the bathroom to freshen up (brushing teeth, combing hair, posing in front of the mirror, etc.); Gollum/Frodo to the living room, where Gollum continues clinging to the television and sobbing and Frodo with him, because he has no other choice; and Pippin/Gandalf decide to play ping-pong, seeing as they were already up, and needed to finish their game from yesterday.  
  
7:05 AM  
  
A camera in the bathroom zooms in on Gimli and Merry, who are braiding each other's hair and giggling girlishly.  
  
7:15 AM  
  
The Horn of Gondor sounds, calling everyone to breakfast.  
  
Pippin/Gandalf and Gollum/Frodo are first to arrive, and look about impatiently for the rest of the cast. Sam/Aragorn stumble into the dining room, eyes wide and red.  
  
"Sam, you look awf'l." Pippin pokes Sam with a fork. Sam nods numbly, and yawns, promptly falling asleep. His head rolls over onto Aragorn's shoulder, and stays there. Aragorn's head falls onto the top of Sam's, and the two snore contentedly.  
  
Boromir twitches at the sight of Aragorn's head leaning on Sam's, and tries unsuccessfully to cover it up by blinking rapidly.  
  
"Cute, in a sickening sort of way," Gandalf mumbles, speaking through a mouthful of scrambled eggs. Legolas gasps and slams his fist into Gandalf's back, sending half-chewed scrambled eggs flying across the table and into most everyone's face and food.  
  
Frodo looks up at Legolas. "What was that for?!"  
  
"You're supposed to wait until everyone's at the table to eat or drink!" Legolas scolds, punching the violently coughing Gandalf in the back again when he tries to wash down the eggs with a swig of orange juice.  
  
"Egh." Sam and Aragorn slowly wake up, wiping bits of scrambled egg and orange juice off their faces. Gollum simply licks the food and drink off his face, getting many disgusted looks from the cast.  
  
7:25 AM  
  
Legolas frowns, glancing at the clock. "Well. That's just rude to have us waiting so long. Come, Boromir, let's get Gimli and Merry." He tugs on the rope and prances down the hall with Boromir to the bathroom, knocking impatiently on the door.  
  
"Gimli! Merry! We called you for breakfast ten minutes ago! What are you doing in there?" When he hears no reply, he takes a few steps back, and takes a running jump at the door, which flies open. "You two are very l-" Legolas gasps, unable to finish his sentence.  
  
Gimli blushes, looking up at Legolas. Merry turns away, face as red as Gimli's hair. "L-Legolas, I can explain. it's not what you th-"  
  
"No! I don't want any of your silly excuses. you. you two-timer!" Legolas sobs and races down the hall, dragging a very confused-looking Boromir behind him.  
  
The rest of the cast look up at the elf and the human, blank stares demanding an explanation.  
  
"Gimli an' Merry shagging in the bathroom!" Boromir says quickly, before he's dragged outside into the backyard, the sliding glass door slamming shut behind them. Gimli and Merry race after Legolas and Boromir.  
  
"Don't cry, Legolas, your mascara will run!" Gimli shouts, yanking open the glass door and disappearing outside. Gimli gently closes it before he's yanked to the side.  
  
Pippin/Gandalf, Frodo/Gollum and Sam/Aragorn stare at the door for a few moments, turn and shrug at each other, and begin eating breakfast.  
  
1:00 PM  
  
Things seemed to have settled down since that morning's, er, incidents. Boromir had spent the last few hours trying to drag Legolas back into the house with the rest of the Fellowship, but he refused to budge from Gollum's tree. Gollum was starting to get rather annoyed, as he liked to have his privacy and sitting in his tree seemed the only place where he could get any.  
  
Big Fellowship's voice crackles over the intercom. "Have we all forgotten what happens today, at approximately. right now?"  
  
Everyone pauses, looking around in confusion. Big Fellowship laughs.  
  
"Then I guess we'll hold it off 'till tomorrow, then!"  
  
"Wait! Wait!" Frodo shouts, jumping up and down and pointing to the rope that attaches him to a sulking Gollum. "We get the ropes off! Get 'em off, get 'em off!" The rest of the Fellowship nod vigorously, feeling that they've already had these on for at least four chapters and that was long enough.  
  
"Good job, Nancy Drew!" Big Fellowship laughs again. "We'll take you all by pairs into the Confession Cam room - which NONE of you have entered yet for quite a while, you know - and remove them. First up are Gimli and Merry. Please make your way to the Confession Cam Room. No pushing. Single-file."  
  
Gimli and Merry look at each other a moment, and speed inside the room.  
  
(A/N: Gosh. I am really sorry that took so long. Really, I'm going to try to get these up more often.. it's hard to write these sort of things. Anyway, I'll see you all in Big Fellowship, chapter 8, hopefully coming soon! Au revoir! Big Fellowship out.) 


	8. Gandalf's Flirting Tips

Title: Big Fellowship  
  
Author: doodlez Chapter: 8 A/N: Must start working on deadline. (Chants) 13th of every month, 13th of every month. Oh, yes, and also, vote for who you want kicked off, or I'll pick 'em myself! Just post a review, or, if you're really bored and want to kill a bit of time, e-mail me. I'm also going to start working on Gimli's accent a bit more, too.  
  
1:05 PM  
  
"If you would please pick up the tape measurer on the bench between you two," Big Fellowship commands privately to Gimli and Merry in the Confession Cam Room (CCR).  
  
Gimli picks it up and shoots an inquiring look at the camera in front of them.  
  
"Measure the rope, Gimli," Big Fellowship says gently.  
  
".Oh. Ach. Aye. I knew that," Gimli mutters gruffly and measures the rope. "Two... wait, three, three feet and four inches."  
  
"Well done!" Big Fellowship cheers, and the rope and handcuffs disappear. Gimli and Merry give a whoop, look embarrassed, and turn away from each other, blushing. They sit there in awkward silence for a moment, and abruptly leave.  
  
"Next!" Big Fellowship calls through the intercom in the living room. "Legolas and Boromir."  
  
Boromir shoves open the sliding glass door and drags a red-eyed Legolas inside. Gimli turns away when Legolas glares at him.  
  
"Come on, come on," Boromir says hastily, and they disappear into the CCR.  
  
"Please pick up the-" Big Fellowship begins, but is cut off by an all too eager Boromir, who has already measured the rope.  
  
"Onefoottwoinchesgetitoff!"  
  
"Good job," Big Fellowship says without enthusiasm, and the rope and handcuffs disappear. Boromir cheers and races out of the room. Legolas shuffles outside, speed-shuffles through the living room, and goes back outside, slamming the sliding glass door behind him. A worried-faced Gimli follows, with a bit of encouragement from Sam.  
  
1:30 PM  
  
The Fellowship all are celebrating their freedom by hiding in separate corners of the house and refusing to speak to anyone, for fear that a rope and handcuff would appear and link them together for all eternity.  
  
The results were:  
  
Pippin/Gandalf - 6 inches. (If they had gone inside the CCR a few minutes earlier than they had, then it would still be at 4 feet 1 inches, but they had a lengthy argument about who got to sit on which side of the couch.)  
  
Sam/Aragorn - 0 inches.  
  
Frodo/Gollum: 1 foot. (It took them a while to measure the rope, as Gollum kept clutching and hugging the tape measurer, adopting it as his new "Precious". Big Fellowship let him keep it, deciding that it would keep him out of trouble for a while until he had to leave.)  
  
3:00 PM  
  
Legolas comes back inside and disappears into the bathroom, slamming the door in Gimli's face with an enraged shout of "It's over!"  
  
Gimli gasps and stares at the door for a long time, listening numbly to the sounds of the shower being turned on, the shower being turned off, hair being braided, body mist being sprayed, toenails being painted, etc.  
  
He staggers back outside (past Merry in Room 1, who was catching up on his reading; a fast-asleep Aragorn in Room 2; Gollum in the kitchen who was raiding the pantry; Pippin in the dining room who was finishing up the leftovers of that morning's breakfast; Sam in the living room, snuggling next to Frodo on the couch; and Frodo in the living room, who still hadn't recovered from the 24 hours of being tied to Gollum, and was desperately trying to get away from Sam) and takes a seat next to Gandalf on the brick deck.  
  
Gandalf inhales deeply from his pipe and blows a few smoke-ships into the air, glancing down at the depressed dwarf out of the corner of his eye. He coughs, and is otherwise silent.  
  
Gimli sighs, looking over - and up, because dwarves are rather short creatures and wizards are rather tall ones - at Gandalf.  
  
"Gandalf. ye're wise, aren't you?"  
  
"I like to think I am."  
  
"You know about. these sort of things?"  
  
"Depends what you mean by that."  
  
"Um. relationship matters?"  
  
Gandalf gives Gimli a hearty pat on the back. "My friend, you have come to the right wizard. I may not look it, but I was once as young and romantic as you are now."  
  
"So you know how I can get Legolas back?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Gimli smiles. "Thank you."  
  
"Don't mention it. Now, the first thing you need to do."  
  
Gollum, in his tree, cranes his ear to try and listen to Gandalf's whispers, meanwhile stroking his tape measurer. "What issss they saying, Preciouss?" he murmurs, peering at Gandalf and Gimli with beady eyes. "What doesss they mean by 'bend and sssnap'?"  
  
3:30 PM  
  
"Lego?" Gimli purrs, knocking softly on the bathroom door.  
  
"Go away," Legolas snaps, voice muffled through the door.  
  
"May I give you something?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No."  
  
"If you don't like it, you can. you can punch me in the face," Gimli offers.  
  
There's a short pause.  
  
".Okay," Legolas reluctantly agrees, and opens the door slightly. Gimli motions for him to come closer and Legolas obeys, stepping out into the hall. Gimli holds up a blue erasable pen.  
  
Legolas narrows his eyes. ".A pen? And a BIC, too! The least you could've done is gotten me a pen of good qual-"  
  
"Oops!" Gimli says, cutting him off, and drops the pen purposely onto the floor. He slowly bends down to pick it up, the words of the wise Gandalf echoing in his mind: "Bend. and snap." He snaps up.  
  
Chonnnng-"Guh!" Legolas collapses, clutching his jaw and writhing in agony. Gimli's helmet had connected sharply with the elf's chin as he had straightened up.  
  
Gimli kneels down, horrified that his seemingly perfect plan had backfired. "Legolas! Legolas! I'm sorry! Are you all right?"  
  
Legolas gives him a rather violent reply.  
  
3:40 PM  
  
Gandalf exhales a smoke-duck and leans back onto his palms, gazing distantly at the ivy wall on the opposite side of the lawn.  
  
Gimli slowly crawls through the back door on his hands and knees, shuts it with his foot, and crawls up to Gandalf, whimpering incoherently.  
  
Gandalf looks down at him, eyeing his injuries with a trained eye.  
  
"Hm. You did the bend-and-snap, yes?"  
  
Gimli nods.  
  
"And, judging by the blood on your helmet, he got hit on the way up?"  
  
Gimli nods.  
  
"And then he punched you in the face?"  
  
Gimli nods, spitting a bloody tooth onto the lawn.  
  
"And kneed you in the groin?"  
  
Gimli nods.  
  
"And attempted to break your neck, but couldn't because he couldn't find your neck and gave up and went back to the bathroom to clean himself up?"  
  
"'Ow dig goo gnow?"  
  
"How did I know?"  
  
Gimli nods.  
  
"My pocket-sized seeing-stone, of course," Gandalf grins, taking it out and showing it to Gimli.  
  
"Mug be g'andy."  
  
"Yes, it is handy."  
  
"Cag you fig my moug?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Cag you fig my mouf?"  
  
"Sorry, I don't know how to. You'll just have to wait for your mouth to heal."  
  
Gimli groans. Gandalf pats him on the back, nearly killing the poor dwarf. "There, there. Just give him some time. He'll come crawling back to you eventually."  
  
"Mmg."  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
(A/N: "Bend-and-snap" technique © Legally Blonde, a really weird movie, but entertaining nonetheless. I like this chapter. Hee. By the way, any Discworld fans out there? By Terry Pratchett? Good books. Go read. The first one's called "The Colour of Magic". Oh, and I'm going to try and do some Big Fellowship comics.heh heh heh.. if I ever finish them, I'll give you guys the link.) 


End file.
